Before the internet we used to whittle soap if we wanted to waste time. Now we dream up fascistic petitions. The latest one is an attempt to scribble Right-wing commentator Mike Hosking out of his job on TVNZ’s prime time, current affairs show Seven Sharp.

I personally voted on Hosking with my feet – or rather my remote. About a decade back, when Hosking was a breakfast host, he was unbelievably rude, for no discernible reason, to visiting South African novelist Bryce Courtney. I’ve never watched him since. The only time I ever see him now is when his detractors moonlight as his personal content distributors and fire clips of him around the net. If it wasn’t for their efforts he really would be dead to me.

So why the need for a petition? I certainly didn’t need one to purge my life of Hosking.

I’ve been given a variety of reasons as to why the petition is necessary. All are variations on the same theme, and none of them are compelling.

“TVNZ is a public broadcaster and, as such, shouldn’t give airtime to a man with such a clear political bias”.

This is the sole argument I feel worth unpacking, but only if you squint at it. It shares the same motor as all the others – a contempt for dissenting opinions. A biased Left wing commentator would never be confronted by the same signatories because, of course, when you’re “correct” you’re not being biased. Hosking supporters would no doubt agree that being correct means you can never be biased either. But it’s unlikely they’d argue he was ever hired to perform some sort of public service, which hands the moral high ground to his ideological opponents. After all, public broadcasters exist to promote Left wing views, don’t they? The Right can bloody pay for a platform if they want to lie to us all.

I’ve supplied you up to a minute of reading since I last denounced Hosking so it’s probably timely I do it again lest you try to dismiss me as his #1 fan. I despise the man. I never, ever watch him. I will go out of my way to avoid him and even try changing the subject (with little success) when my 78-year mother wants to talk about how short he is and how he “scurries” rather than walks. I know exactly where Hosking stands and I stand someplace quite different. But I’m also a liberal and a staunch defender of free speech. I simply don’t have the right to deprive others of his opinions. I changed the channel. If enough people did the same, I’m sure the network would take care of him. If, on the leger, more people stay watching, he deserves to stay exactly where he is.

Jeremy Wells is a creative man who came up with a creative answer to the Hosking’s “issue”, the “Like Mike – Hosking’s Rant”. I haven’t been compelled to challenge anything Hosking’s says in my comedy because many of his views I find too dusty to inspire a rejoinder. Power to anyone that wants to tear him down using satire; satire takes a degree of imagination and balls. Signing said petition requires neither. It’s small and petulant. Intolerant and obnoxious. It’s pathetic, quite frankly. Grow the fuck up.

Another point, certain to be lost on the signatories of this shameful schmatta, is that TV actually needs assholes. If you believe, as many do, that TV is struggling (I don’t think it is), then removing its viler personalities will finish it off. We need villains on the box and he plays that role expertly. In fact, a petition against such a performer will only swell the legend of an epic asshole. I’d kill to know I’d inspired a petition designed to take me down, as most people in the art and media world would. It means you stand for something. And, most importantly, that your enemies are listening.

Government Free Day (In defense of cigars)

I propose #GovernmentFreeDay in response to the recent government announcement (made on #SmokeFreeDay) that it plans to introduce plain packaging for tobacco products in early 2017.

If it had be2016-05-12 12.17.14en cigarettes alone that had warranted the action (a mass-marketed, truly toxic and deadly pastime that is a clear burden on the taxpayer) I would get it. But they had to remind us we’re in the terminally uncultured antipodes didn’t they? They had to tar cigars with the same scornful brush.

Cigars are a craft item. A luxury item. A religious item. To smoke a good cigar is to pray. To create a holy space (holy meaning separate in the original Hebrew), a sanctuary where you can poke around in rooms in your mind you never knew existed. They are an indulgence – a glorious one – and as such are generally consumed infrequently. They pose a minor health risk that would fall well behind wine consumption in the middle classes.

Hitler’s appraisal of the Weimer republic was to call it a wasteland.

The push to destroy the cigar proves the complete aesthetic emptiness of the committed ideologue. The power hungry seldom can identify beauty. Hitler’s appraisal of the Weimer republic (an explosion of art and culture without which we wouldn’t have Hollywood) was to call it a wasteland.

So I propose #GovernmentFreeDay. This would be a day where fascist, bullying taxes and outright bans are dropped and adults are treated as adults and are left to make their own decisions.

#GovernmentFreeDay should coincide with the birthday of a defender of personal freedoms and would offer a good opportunity to teach our children that those who seek to ban things are generally nasty individuals who should be shot with balls of their own shit. 

KIWI BATTLERS (An Oral History Project)

Over the past five years writer Dane Giraud has traveled the length and breadth of the country collecting oral histories of New Zealand. A deeply personal project Dane has avoided the former All Blacks and general over achievers in pursuit of the everyday Kiwi. What’s emerged is a touching, vivid account of rural life immediately following the post war period.

“This generation are dying and my regret is I didn’t start this project even five years earlier. Books can only tell you so much about the past; it’s always better to get it from those who saw it and lived it”.

Below are some samples from Dane’s most recent recordings that he hopes will one day be formally collated for all New Zealanders to enjoy.

Click on the files below and prepare to step through a portal to another, soon to be forgotten world…

Find Me A Māori Bride

There are three kinds of people in New Zealand: those who are comfortable on a marae, those who have never been, and those who are pretty used to being told off there. They’re the ones who slow their walking pace so they have someone to follow, mouth the words to songs they don’t know and laugh when everyone else laughs despite not having understood a word of te reo. It’s usually someone who’s been made to be there – a school trip, a work trip, a family gathering, or – god forbid – a tangi They’re the ones getting told off for playing on their phones while people are speaking, or checking their work emails during meal time. They’re the ones Find me a Maori Bride is made for. They’re also the ones it was made by…

Read The Article Here

There Were Brave Men before Agamemnon

A neo-noir that riffs on the archetypes of James M. Cain’s “The Postman Always Rings Twice”.

A shell shocked British soldier fresh from the Great War turns up on an isolated New Zealand farm and into the arms of a domineering German land owner’s young and seductive Maori wife. The couple decide to get the old man out of the picture in what should’ve been the perfect crime…

A throwback to some of Hollywood’s best thrillers, transplanted to the breathtaking landscape of New Zealand, “There Were Brave Men before Agamemnon” is a sexy, bloody, edge-of-your-seat melodrama with more twists than a corkscrew and a denouement you’ll never see coming.